If traveling were a sport, I would probably be a professional athlete. For some reason, I have an insatiable wanderlust. Perhaps I really did live another life! Not that I believe in that. Well, then again, maybe I do. I am guessing that if I was, say an animal, I would have been some type of migratory bird. Winter and I really do NOT mix; thus, I would have headed for Florida the minute the temperature dropped below 60 degrees.
Plane, train, automobile or boat (cruise ship preferably. Sailboats will also qualify!) Honestly, anywhere, any how, any method of moving! I just hate being in one place....moving around is great!
While it isn’t necessarily the fastest way to get from point A to point B, train travel is generally very relaxing. Also, it provides a traveler with an up close and personal chance to see humanity at its, let’s say, most true-to-life moments.
Permit me to digress a moment. My second most favorite sport is people watching. Lucky for my compatriots, travel provides us with the chance to combine our two favorite activities, all for one low (ok, maybe not low!) admission price.
Recent journeys on the train to various parts of the country have provided many opportunities to, for lack of a better phrase, be entertained. Some of these people I actually talked to-most of them, I just observed. The majority of names were randomly assigned-and a couple were changed to protect the "innocent." The situations all actually happened.....and I just found them amusing....so i thought i would share!
First, there were a few people on a train from Washington, DC to Boston. While the first 6 hours of the journey were uneventful, mainly due to being comatose, the last 2 hours or so were unique to say the least.
There was a young man whom I will call Ted. Seated one row in front of me, Ted fancies himself a percussionist. He spent a good 45 minutes scraping his nail along the little piece of Velcro to which a headrest cover is generally attached. On this train, such cover was M.I.A. His musical skill with fingernail and Velcro was akin to people who play washboards in Bluegrass bands. Unfortunately he had no rhythm. When he tired of playing the Velcro, he switched to tapping his nail on his water bottle. The more water he drank, the different the tone. Again though, poor Ted suffered from rhythm impairment. When he grabbed the headrest behind him, thus permitting his fingers to encroach into my personal space, I had to ask him to please not do that. Poor Ted. He needs a few lessons in travel etiquette....maybe I should teach a class....Hmm..that can be another topic for this little blog!
Somewhere near Providence, Kristie boarded the train and sat across the aisle from me. How lucky can a girl get! Kristie carried a zippered tote bag, nice enough, almost exactly the thing that I would like to use as a carry on. Inside she had, for some inexplicable reason, at least a half dozen empty, folded up, paper shopping bags from a variety of retailers. To each her own.
Shortly before Providence, Kristie apparently got hungry as she took out an apple. Innocuous enough, until she wiped down her left arm from finger tips to elbow, including part of her sleeve. Don’t get me wrong, I have been known to sanitize all sorts of surfaces, including myself. No sense subjecting yourself, or those around you to any variety of diseases, including, but not limited to norovirus. What struck me as unusual was the precision with which this task was performed. Frankly, she was probably cleaner than most surgeons!
Once the apple was gone, down to the core mind you, Kristie wrapped up said core into a package neat enough to be given as a gift. She threw the core in the trash and returned to her seat with several damp paper towels. Again, she cleaned every inch of both hands including underneath her fingernails, the cuticles and every epidermal surface that may have been in contact with the most miniscule particle of apple.
After consuming breakfast and cleansing, out came the foundation, lipstick, 2 eye liners, a lip liner and an array of cotton swabs. She reapplied her makeup around the mouth area that may have been disturbed by her apple, using the cotton swabs to apply both the foundation and lipstick. It appeared to be one of those designer brands. While I am frugal, when I use a lipstick so much that I have to stick a cotton swab into the tube to get all the product out, someone please slap me! Those things are only about 10 dollars. Give up fancy coffee for a week, put the 2 or 3 dollars per day aside, and by the weekend, get yourself a new one.
Face all fixed, in a process that took about 15 minutes, we arrived at the Providence train station. The train would be full said the conductor. I gained a seatmate. Lucky me, she was a nice, quiet woman. Mary, as I will call her, drank her coffee, read some paperwork and dozed off. Ah, if all seatmates could be like Mary. I think the etxent of the conversation was "good morning." Mary didn't take up extra space, didn't yak on a cell phone or anything...wish i had some kind of award to give out for perfect seatmates!
Across the aisle, a man sat down next to Kristie. Let's call him Jim. Now, on a train this packed, you would figure that no one would actually be acquainted with any other passengers. Guess again. Seems to me that Jim does indeed know Kristie. Could he be her boss? Her paramour? Both? Neither? We will never know for sure but they spent the balance of the ride to Boston discussing the need for one of them to be here, and the other there in the coming days for business. Whatever "business" it was. Alas, they both got off the train in Beantown....wonder what happened??!! ;)
The Boston to Albany route provided minimal entertainment, but we were lucky enough to be in a moving Sauna. One of these days, the big railroad will be able to regulate temperatures on its equipment. That is one thing about Amtrak that drives me nuts...so of the equipment is old...and apparently the conductor has to go outside the train...and maybe UNDER it...to adjust the temperature! It was soooo hot that I wanted to open the window....spent a LOT of time in the cafe car which was substantially cooler...and provided some more interesting fodder for my story!
A few amusing characters showed up during the ride.
First we have Kevin. Could be into tattoos, martial arts, those fantasy video games like Dungeons and Dragons, heavy metal, reading “Lord of the Rings” books, who knows. Spent part of the trip sleeping, listening to music and writing something on his laptop. At last, a semi-normal character. Alas, our friend Kevin is a person after my own heart. He got some sort of hot beverage (probably tea but maybe coffee-doesn’t matter!) Came back to his seat, rummaged around in his bag and took out a flask of, hmm, Wild Turkey, perhaps, and dumped a healthy dose into said hot beverage. Atta boy Kevin, pass it over! (Just kidding-you don’t have to pass it over. I have my own!)
Kevin, lucky guy, is going to spend 3 more days on a train after Chicago going to California. You better get another bottle of Wild Turkey. If the Chicago to California train is anything like this one, you may need a whole case!
Ever use a bathroom on a train? Ok, if not how about a plane. Nice and roomy aren’t they. Now, on planes, all lavatories are equipped with smoke detectors that may not be “tampered with, disabled or destroyed.” That would be a federal offense and, I for one, would prefer to not know the penalty. Trains are not equipped in this fashion. However, all trains are in fact, non smoking, except when at a station stop for a longer period of time. The conductor will let you know.
Most passengers don’t have a problem waiting. Sure, it may be hard, but they manage. Except for Lee. Lee seems to think that it is ok to light up in said lavatory. Lee, I know it was you. I walked by you enough to smell the smoke. Lucky for you, I chose to not rat you out to the conductor. Consider it your lucky day. But if I catch you doing it again, you are going to be tossed off the train. Granted, the smoky smell kind of covered up the nice odor in the lavatory, but still, stale smoke is not something you want to smell in this enclosed tube.
A number of our pals continued on the train to Chicago. However, being the lucky folks that we are, several more friends are here for our amusement.
I am not quite sure how to describe this next “traveling companion” but I will try. Nick was seated across the aisle, one row behind me on a long journey to the Windy City. Nick was babbling on randomly for a very long time, making some sense, but mostly annoying those around him. Believe me, the coach to Chicago was packed. No one, and I mean no one wanted to sit near him. In fact, may people, at the first opportunity, bailed out to the lounge car, myself included. Note to self, skip the Lake Shore train next time. The Capital Limited is nicer.
I think that Nick is a little challenged. It is great that he is traveling, but maybe if he is a little, shall we say, slow, he ought to have a traveling companion. Here comes Nick again. Back to the cafe car. Get your orange juice and go back to your seat. Thankfully the Chicago car is fairly cool. Some of the others are rather balmy. I would like to move my seat if some of these people get off the train in a while, but I have to decide the lesser of two evils.
Nick or excessive heat. That’s a hard one. I will have to get back to you.
Our European friend would be Hans. Hans travels all over by rail. Of course, our train system here in the states is a mess. In Europe, the trains are fast, clean, spacious and well designed. Our trains must have been designed by “an idiot.” Hey, Hans said that, not me! But honestly, in the US both passenger and freight trains share the same set of tracks, resulting in delays that can be hours long. In Europe, there is no such problem.
Nick, please return to your seat! You know, the conductors are all hiding someplace. Usually they are in the cafe car chatting with the passengers. Maybe they are hiding since it is hot and, I suspect that it is a full moon. Why you ask? Just look around! Sure, not everyone on the train this evening is a “character.” But give us a break! Is it fair that you all can hide from the fun? Come out and play with us! Help us get through the night! I never heard an announcement about dinner in the dining car either. Not that I care. I brought a nice sandwich with me. But I would have liked to take a little look-see at the menu. Just so that when I actually travel in a sleeper, I know what “yummy” things might await!
On every journey, regardless of the mode of mass transportation used, there are at least a dozen travelers who I presume are independently wealthy. Why do I draw this conclusion? They probably all have housekeepers at home to clean up after them. because they seem to think that it is ok to just throw soda cans and empty bags of chips on the floor. I mean really people. Clean up after yourselves. If your little munchkin drops goldfish or M &Ms, pick it up! Or at least make an attempt. The person who will occupy the seat you just vacated will appreciate it! These people are, no doubt, the same ones who go shopping and spill stuff, push merchandise off tables so they can sit on them, pile stuff up in the fitting rooms and expect the associates to clean up after them. I really don’t want to see the bathrooms after, say, Cleveland.
Shall we talk about the crew? Why not. Now I have run into so many crew members that I can’t possibly remember them all. Some were wonderful, some were less than wonderful. So just to make things easy, the most recent crew members are highlighted herein.
First there is Eskimo. I already told you that I hate cold. But, this attendant looked like she was about to embark on the Iditarod Dog Sled race. You know how cute babies look when they are all bundled up? They can barely move and they look a little like that man from the tire ads? Yes, that would be Eskimo. It is probably her fault that the hundreds of paying passengers in this tube are sweating.
Then we have Red our cafe attendant. She seemed somewhat cold at first. Guess her attitude depends on that of the passenger she is serving at the time. Lucky me, I am nice so she warms up a bit. Right, warms up! No pun intended.
There’s also Matt the ticket puncher. He wins the railroad eye candy award. Too bad, I think his significant other and daughter are along for the ride.
We have another ticket puncher person as well. From now on, he will be known as Allen. Not the nicest person. We all wanted to try and cool off. Allen was a bit mean. “Uh, are you getting off here?” No, I am not. “Ok, well move along, there are people getting on.” No kidding sir, I really just want some fresh air. And just for fun, it is snowing in between the cars. Maybe I can set up shop there. At least I will be cool! I wonder when we get a new crew. I hope they are going to be a little nicer.
The cafe attendant on the Capital Limited was a great guy. Poor Willie, all he ever wanted to do was watch the digEplayer to make time go by faster. Of course, the passengers had other ideas, namely food! Beverages! Heck, there was even a Happy Hour! We got free snacks with the purchase of any adult beverage. That is MY kind of deal. I wish Willie were here now. He was the only crew member there the entire time. Sure, he got a few hours off, but when we woke up on the morning and wanted Frosted Flakes and coffee, there was Willie. Still smiling and still trying to watch his movie.
Back to Allen and Matt. Allen really isn’t the nicest guy. While at a stop, I decided to wander back to my coach. My seatmate is encroaching into my seat, so back to the cafe for me. I stepped aside and Allen comes by and waves me past. Then, they proceeded to block off the open seats, ostensibly so no one can spread out into them. This is worse than a cattle car. Sardine can is more like it. And come on, it is snowing between the cars. Can we put some cardboard down? If I fall, I will own the railroad. Hum. THAT would be interesting! Guess who will be the first one reading the classifieds? You are correct. Really, I know there isn’t much that can be done about Mother Nature, but, in the case of a government-funded mode of mass transportation, a prudent conductor would at least make an attempt to mitigate the safety hazard, yes?
Hey, I found another attendant. Let’s call him “Old Salt.” Did you ever see that fisherman guy who is the mascot for the frozen fish company? That would be this other person on the train, minus the yellow “foul weather” gear. All you sailors know what I mean. This man may, in fact, be a statue because I haven’t seen him more a muscle in 3 hours. Maybe he is resting to take over in a couple hours. Yeah right. I keep hoping that some more of these characters leave the train. For one, it will become considerably cooler. And, more importantly, we will all have room to spread out.
Lets talk about cell phones shall we? The person who invented them should be smacked. Stop shouting, I don’t want to hear your conversation. I hate those “Chirp” things and can we please ANSWER it? I don’t really want to hear 10 minutes of Kanye West. Can’t we just have “ringie dingie ringie dingie??” That would be the advantage to flying. As yet, you can’t use a cell phone once the door is shut. I rue the day when and if someone invents a way to use them at 37,000 feet without fouling up the navigation system.
Wow! Red just grabbed a bunch of paper bags to put down so no one breaks their neck! She gets a prize.
well..i will stop now for a bit...however, i have lots more people to talk about....i must say though, i think every train has a resident wacko! i feel bad for some of these people...but at least i was entertained!
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